After leaving the memorial, I cannot remember which direction I went to head toward Wells Fargo and my car. I only remember seeing Tom Bastianon walking in front of me just outside the old Carithers and I called out to him to stop and talk to me for a minute. Seriously, I had no plans to ask for help yet! Just another distraction from what was really happening, I told him I wasn’t feeling well and was headed home. He asked if I had heart trouble and I said it was in my family, then he told me about his own stuff. We chatted just long enough for me to feel a little better, I got in my car and hung a u-turn to go home.
I slightly remember giving myself a pep talk, just get home and let the dog out. Lay down for a bit and you will be good. Poor Brooklyn, she couldn’t pee fast enough for this Mama who just wanted to lay down. I got an ice pack out of the fridge and laid down, clearly my body wanted nothing to do with that. My neck hurt, my arms hurt, my back hurt and it just intensified by laying down . So remember that, if it gets worse when you lay down, it could be a heart attack! I got up and put the ice pack away and went to sit down in the living room. I had my phone, I knew I was in trouble at this point. I was struggling to even hold my phone, my arms were getting so weak. My inside voice was screaming at me that I was not OK!
Then all this crap started flooding into my head, where is my Kaiser card, what shall I bring with me? Etc. Etc. still all before I called for help. Leave it to me to have all my ducks in a row before turning anything over. I knew I did not want to go to PVH and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to afford the ambulance ride so here I was, planning my heart attack moment!
I could barely hold my phone, I had to set it down and take deep breaths and begin a few times. I made three calls and got answering machines on each of them. I didn’t leave any messages, just hung up and called the next of my three. Thank god I had less than a minute to wallow, I was actually sitting there thinking about how I missed my family and wished I could call. I used to think this on a daily. I gotta be real here because it wouldn’t be my story if I wasn’t.
I knew I couldn’t reach out to my brother because his number was only in my phone because of Apple. Every time Apply updates my phone it brings back my dead people and those that are no longer around. It was a fluke that his number was in my phone at all, and a relief to me that even in that moment I knew it would be wrong to use it after all these years. My brothers got stuck with me after our parents divorce, more than big brothers should and it changed us a lot. It isn’t a battle in my head anymore, only a room I walk through that makes me sad. So I did my walk through and moved on from there.
It took my friend Brad less than 60 seconds to call me back, after apologizing I told him I thought I was having a heart event. He immediately said “On my way” and hung up on me. Part of the reason I took so long to call for help was I live alone with my dog and now would have to ask someone to help me with the her. I was afraid to leave her. I hate to ask for help, if you are like me you had better find a way to get over it. If not you could die alone having a heart attack because you argued too long with yourself about asking anyone for help!
Most of the signs of my heart attack were not new to me! Back in June of 2018 I noticed in all the pictures taken of me while installing my Goddess window at Copperfield’s I was pursing my lips. Breathing through a little circle, in every shot! This is exactly two months after I told my dr. that I realized I push on my chest all the time, that it’d been hurting and I was bruising myself with my reaction to it. So many signs! My doctor told me about a year ago that no one was listening to me at Kaiser because my chart read Fibromyalgia!
I can hear this little whisper, I can’t wait for it to get louder so I can hear it more clearly. I am thinking it is part of the new plan, the new plan for me!