Light

There is always light available from some source, it is the balance of the universe that you have access to it all.

How to be after a Heart Attack - Part 4

It is really strange walking around doing my normal stuff only 11 days after having an acute heart attack! I am lucky, I know I am lucky here. Not everyone gets out of their first heart attack like I have, can I say this kind of gives me the creeps? I want to add out loud to the Universe, “thank you, I am not bragging only sharing.” Everything feels different, not a lot but enough.

I was laying in the hospital in the middle of the first night, maybe a finger full of hours after being saved. Saved by a room full of competent people doing their job well. I was laying there thinking I had gotten exactly what I asked for on my way in. Exactly what I asked for help all the way to the hospital, it was a mantra in my head I kept repeating while Brad drove me to Kaiser. “You just need to get to Terra Linda, that’s it. Just get to Terra Linda and once you walk in, you can let go.” So I did that, I always go into a procedure knowing I am going to get exactly what I need. I cannot easily explain what all happened in the ER, it was my first time there for me. I have had 14 surgeries, so I have that strange comfort zone in a hospital. But once I took my top off and slipped into the gown, I was surrounded by at least 8 people or more. Someone at my head talking to me, telling me I was going to feel everyone touching me. He apologized about the IV’s and I told them I would be their best patient today and I could take whatever I had to. I remember saying that, I can’t write this without getting teared up. So much going on at once that I don’t remember what I was feeling.

What I really want to be sure and share is that my ER room was FULL of men, I was surrounded with young men all talking at each other. It was loud and at moments it seemed like background noise. They had trouble finding a pulse in my feet, they were blue. But then found it on the inside of my ankles, I think it is this pulse that saved me from having my chest cracked open. At some point I feel my hips being lifted up and my pants being pulled off me. I screamed “WAIT", everyone froze, it was a serious pause as I looked down and saw a woman! Again, more tears, I’ll be back -

I had just recently finished reading “Know my name” and was still raw around unwanted touch and rape. So when I looked down totally unconscious in some ways of what was pulling on me, she was a goddess and I can’t stop thinking about it. Thank you Kaiser for that, who ever, how ever, it was a safe place for me. Then Dr. Chen walks in and she is telling me that I am having a heart attack and that she believed I had been having it for a while!

Shit hits the fan in the ER, I have no idea how long I was in room 9 of the ER. But I remember noticing the slow roll into the Cath lab. I have never been on one of those air pressure lift things before and it had me on the other bed in seconds. Of course I was talking during the procedure, they need you awake. Wait for it, but I was talking too much, when the Dr. doing the procedure realized I was talking to him he asked “Are you talking to me?” I replied “yes I am” and that was that. I came awake to a nurse holding up a picture of the stint they used in my heart.

I strangely notice the company name and said “I was made in Petaluma too”, this is totally classic for me to get a life saving stint from a company in my hometown. Something about that settles very well with me.

How to have a Heart Attack - Part 3

I went to my follow up with the Cardio on Monday and brought my friend Claire along for support. We both walked out of there confused. WTH, she said I had no restrictions and that I had an Acute Heart Attack. Kinda of like a one off, she said she does not expect the other 40 or 60% blockage in my other arteries to bother me. I am not sure how to respond, logic tells me the chest pains I have been having for quite some time must be connected to my heart health.

That I walked around for 4 hours hurting like I always do, the arm pain and chest pain were in no way new symptoms or complaints. Is it really possible that I wasn’t feeling my body struggle all along? That it has nothing to do with this final result is out of my scope of believing or understanding. It is at moments like this that a second opinion is perfect, hear it again from someone else. Maybe someone with a more experience or someone interested in the puzzle of it all like me. Lord knows I love a puzzle solving experience, I believe every outward action has a reaction, we are driving a bigger train than we sometimes understand.

It’s like a broken record I know, but it is so damn true none the less. You must be part of your own care, Doctors are not paid to keep you well. It is more about rescuing you from the disaster than from keeping you from it. Sad case of affairs if you ask me, but logical if you have been paying attention. We are not caring for the people, lord knows there are many in the medical field trying hard to do so, but the process of this big machine no longer supports even them! Health care and the lack of access will grow our homelessness by mass numbers in just a short time from now, I hope we recognize who the homeless really are!

I realized something the other day which was totally freaky. I have for many years confused Zac’s dad’s birthday which is also my nieces birthday for the 26th instead of the 24th. So I created this cheat to remind me. I know in my head that it equals 6, 2+4= 6 to remind myself it was never the 26th. Clearly January 26th was a date I was supposed to know and remember, is it possible it was always going to be my Heart Attack date! Sure freaked me out when I realized I had been playing with that date for years, while in the hospital I had to ask again what was the day shit hit the fan.

1-26-20. Truly when I made that connection I laughed.

How to have a Heart Attack - Part 2

After leaving the memorial, I cannot remember which direction I went to head toward Wells Fargo and my car. I only remember seeing Tom Bastianon walking in front of me just outside the old Carithers and I called out to him to stop and talk to me for a minute. Seriously, I had no plans to ask for help yet! Just another distraction from what was really happening, I told him I wasn’t feeling well and was headed home. He asked if I had heart trouble and I said it was in my family, then he told me about his own stuff. We chatted just long enough for me to feel a little better, I got in my car and hung a u-turn to go home.

I slightly remember giving myself a pep talk, just get home and let the dog out. Lay down for a bit and you will be good. Poor Brooklyn, she couldn’t pee fast enough for this Mama who just wanted to lay down. I got an ice pack out of the fridge and laid down, clearly my body wanted nothing to do with that. My neck hurt, my arms hurt, my back hurt and it just intensified by laying down . So remember that, if it gets worse when you lay down, it could be a heart attack! I got up and put the ice pack away and went to sit down in the living room. I had my phone, I knew I was in trouble at this point. I was struggling to even hold my phone, my arms were getting so weak. My inside voice was screaming at me that I was not OK!

Then all this crap started flooding into my head, where is my Kaiser card, what shall I bring with me? Etc. Etc. still all before I called for help. Leave it to me to have all my ducks in a row before turning anything over. I knew I did not want to go to PVH and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to afford the ambulance ride so here I was, planning my heart attack moment!

I could barely hold my phone, I had to set it down and take deep breaths and begin a few times. I made three calls and got answering machines on each of them. I didn’t leave any messages, just hung up and called the next of my three. Thank god I had less than a minute to wallow, I was actually sitting there thinking about how I missed my family and wished I could call. I used to think this on a daily. I gotta be real here because it wouldn’t be my story if I wasn’t.

I knew I couldn’t reach out to my brother because his number was only in my phone because of Apple. Every time Apply updates my phone it brings back my dead people and those that are no longer around. It was a fluke that his number was in my phone at all, and a relief to me that even in that moment I knew it would be wrong to use it after all these years. My brothers got stuck with me after our parents divorce, more than big brothers should and it changed us a lot. It isn’t a battle in my head anymore, only a room I walk through that makes me sad. So I did my walk through and moved on from there.

It took my friend Brad less than 60 seconds to call me back, after apologizing I told him I thought I was having a heart event. He immediately said “On my way” and hung up on me. Part of the reason I took so long to call for help was I live alone with my dog and now would have to ask someone to help me with the her. I was afraid to leave her. I hate to ask for help, if you are like me you had better find a way to get over it. If not you could die alone having a heart attack because you argued too long with yourself about asking anyone for help!

Most of the signs of my heart attack were not new to me! Back in June of 2018 I noticed in all the pictures taken of me while installing my Goddess window at Copperfield’s I was pursing my lips. Breathing through a little circle, in every shot! This is exactly two months after I told my dr. that I realized I push on my chest all the time, that it’d been hurting and I was bruising myself with my reaction to it. So many signs! My doctor told me about a year ago that no one was listening to me at Kaiser because my chart read Fibromyalgia!

I can hear this little whisper, I can’t wait for it to get louder so I can hear it more clearly. I am thinking it is part of the new plan, the new plan for me!

How to have a Heart Attack -Part 1

This is the entrance wound where the Stint was inserted into my heart. Saved my life on 1/26/20

I had a heart attack on Sunday afternoon, I am 58 years old and I come from a family of bad hearts! But in all my worries and complaints about how I was feeling, with the family history out loud that never was considered. Even through the recent high blood pressure, Kaiser kept me for an hour and sent me home. I think because my dr. said we would talk about changing my blood pressure medicine to something that worked better. That was over a month ago, I blamed anxiety for the way I was feeling. I can actually hear myself talking about how it comes out of nowhere all the time. The self talk I was having while walking around town having a heart attack! OMG, seriously, the deal I made as I left Water Street Bistro aiming for Della. That if it was too bad I could step to the right before crossing the street and find a chair in the gallery for a moment to catch my breath. If I could just make it across the boulevard to the fountain. I knew I would run into someone that would take my card into the memorial for Kathleen’s family. I was just beginning to realize I might be scared.

REALLY IMPORTANT I think as women we are designed to be really tough. It’s not just the power to create life that makes us this way. That is just a sliver of the pie, childless women have the same powers. But when it comes to ourselves, we are second on the list. It is an education I think from long ago, but let me say this. I believe that message is part of the reason we can miss it all around the health of our own hearts! The way we care for ourselves, it is not a jab, it is not a broken part but the truth about our ability to put others first and some times always.

We are blind to our own cry for help!

I made deal after deal with myself, if I could only get there, I could do 5 minutes. Repeating in my head! I made it that long in the end. Going in with friends, until the whisper in my ear from Ether (guardian angel since childhood) “You need to get out of here, you are not intended to be the main event!”, I acted immediately and left. I have always bragged as a chronic pain patient I bring my smile where ever I go. No matter what I am feeling, I smile. This I know for sure, after almost dying there are so many things I see right now! RIGHT NOW, that I did not see when I should have. Those screams of WARNING. I can see them, and this is just the beginning. So many of my friends have asked “What did you feel?” Asking for answers to their own fears about knowing early enough, if they will understand and act fast?

I plan to share it all, using my need for honesty. I am exercising that muscle while I let my heart heal!

Time for a nap

Install at the Marin Humane Society

What a morning, I walked into a bare room and we walked out of a lovely space! It was totally fun watching my friend Mary Fassbinder do her thing, show up with a car full of paintings and dress a wall to full beauty! I simply set my dogs at the feet of her creation. I am thrilled with the result and the art will be there through the end of February. I wanted to share the best love in the world with everyone for Valentines. So now there is just extra time to get over there and see it all in person! Thank you