How many friends do you have that are on the other side of a heart attack? I went to the opening reception at the Petaluma Art Center the other night for Clay (&C), I was so over whelmed by my need to touch everything. I have been having this overwhelming feeling about beauty and color lately, I would almost call it a train ride. Walking through the center seeing all the clay sculptures lite me up, I was crying as I walked around the room.
I could have stood in there for hours, I wanted to touch everything, I had this visceral reaction and need to feel the temperature, to touch the texture of the pieces and really was moved being there. I could live in such a space, give me a few walls and two 50 watt amps for my kilns and I wouldn’t need much else to live out my life. I find it sad that it took this long for me to find the thing that fills me, much too late in my life it seems to have such a yearning for anything. I find my self wondering why I survived?
Living alone all these years has not been easy, that is not a surprise to anyone. Nothing is easy these days in the world we have built. Dreams die in the making in a world run this way, dream might one day no longer be in the dictionary. It is so apparent that what we all built is falling down and I feel great sadness about it. I ended up back in the hospital the next night after this, blood pressure too low to operate well and fear about blowing my stint repair kept me at Kaiser for an overnight in the cardiac ward. Of course I was the youngest one there, leave it to me to be that one!
The low pulse stressed my heart out and the EKG showed activity in a new part of my heart, so I had to pass a Stress Test in the morning in order to be released. It did me good to pass that test, somehow a little more sure of my wounded heart.